Lately I’ve been thinking about what kind of person that I am. Within the past month or so, I’ve basically been called a bad person by two different people. Both using very similar dialogue with one another. It has started to make me think. Am I a truly a bad person who wants to be good or a good person who constantly breaks bad? Or am I just human and have to live with the good and bad choices?
It is no secret that I struggle to make connections with people. I’m constantly second guessing my worth. Thinking that people tolerate me at best. To some people, I give off the impression that I don’t care what people think of and will march to my own beat. When at the end of the day, all I want to do is be liked by everyone. I’m remind about how that is never going to happen.
With these recent incidents, I have been called “rude” and “argumentative” and “constantly questioning”. I will admit that I can be a bit rough around the edges especially when it comes to interacting with others. It probably doesn’t help that I can have a pretty stoic face or monotone voice. So it’s hard for people to read me or making me come off as standoffish.
The math does add up. It seems upon first meetings that a lot of people can think I’m awesome and all that. But after a month or so, they quickly tire of me and want nothing to do with me. Thinking about a lot of past interactions, it makes me wonder how much did I play a part in things being less than warm nowadays. Sure some of these can be chalked up to walking different paths on life. But how many people did I turn away due to my nature?
Now there is something coming up and once again I question myself in people’s life? Am I just a nuisance who is a Facebook friend at best? Or am I someone that people actually want to spend time with? I know I have people in my life that care about me and vice versa and all that matters. I just can’t shake the feeling that I should be more well liked and beloved by more. Do these people see more of me than I am willing to admit to myself? What if I’m really a terrible person and failing at being good?
Just makes me think.