It has been a long time since I’ve written on my blog. This is due to various things going on in my life. From being overworked with my many jobs, everyday stress or just simple laziness. Lately, it’s been coming up more and more about the importance of mental health. How we should take care of our minds and souls. It is no secret that I go to therapy, though I haven’t been in a while. But something that really helps me cope is writing. So here we are.
I’ll be the first to admit that since the beginning of 2018, I’ve had some real ups and downs.
My living situation has become unbearable. I hate where I live and know I need to move out. I was struggling because of my job situation (which will come up next) and thus my depression was kicking in more and more. I couldn’t be myself and always on the edge. But finally there seems to be a silver lining on the horizon.
My job situation was also unbearable. By March I was miserable. Working two jobs has taken a major toll on me. I never really have time for myself any more. I can’t spend time with my friends and loved ones like I would want to. The whole point of having two jobs was to help take the edge off of my bills. Now it still feels like I have even more bills to pay for. I decided that I was going to give an ultimatum at my main job, if I wasn’t promoted or given word about a promotion, I would quit by the end of the summer. Now I’m just waiting on the word to see if I actually get that. I just had the interview the other day.
My personal life, friends and other relationships, has been something of a mess. My close friends and loved ones are always there for me. Which I do appreciate. But I just have this need to want to be accepted by everyone. Take for example, I was supposed to go see a movie with someone and we had been talking about it all week. Then when the day came, I got a message saying how they weren’t feeling well. No harm, no foul. Then later I see them post about how they’re having the time of their life on social media.
There’s something in me that just internalizes these things. I can’t help but blame myself. Like maybe if I was a better person then people would want to be around me more often. I just always get in this mindset that I’m the “Oh Jarvis is great. He’s so wonderful. But I never wanna hang out with him.” Now I understand that people have lives but there are always these telltale signs. I guess it’s the people whose validation in life I want. I know in my heart of hearts that it is something that I need to change. But don’t know where to start.
Now it’s halfway through 2018 and things are looking up but still somewhat confusing.
The job situation seems to be picking up. If everything goes well then my days of having two jobs are numbered. I only plan on staying until either the end of the year or the beginning of next year. I have a family trip outside of the United States where I could use that extra cash in my pocket. Plane tickets are not cheap especially around the holidays.
Then my birthday is coming up and I wanna celebrate. I also wanna celebrate this upcoming promotion. But I hate putting myself out there. I get that feeling again about people liking me but not liking me enough to actually spend time with me. People commend me on how “blunt” I can be but I’m starting to think that is actually backfiring. Plus, I need to get more guy friends. I realized I’m lacking in that department.
Finally with everything going on in the world lately, it’s really making me figure out what type of person I am. I wouldn’t call myself a “social justice warrior” or anything like that. But I am more cognizant and empathetic to things going on around me. I can no longer just be the person who takes things in passively as “That’s not my issue” or anything to that extent. I also really don’t have patience for people like that in my life. It’s cliche to say, “Stand for nothing or fall for anything.” even if I don’t agree with you. I’d rather you agree with me but it isn’t a deal breaker.
I know that this can look like the ramblings of a madman. But it’s been somewhat cathartic for me. I hope to get some feedback from people who are reading this. I also hope that you know if you are feeling down then you can reach out to me as well.